For The ‘Knuckles Dawsons’ We Can Still Save

Written by on June 25, 2013 in [, , ]

This is, probably, the hardest thing for me to write. Over the past month, prominent video game community member David “Knuckles Dawson” Dreger, has been missing. He terminated all of his online accounts and his website redirected to a scene from the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Everyone hoped and prayed that David would be found alive and in good health, but sadly last Friday authorities recovered his body.

I didn’t know David at all, and only knew him vaguely through the vast video game community that we all share. I knew some of his work with Achievement Hunter previously but never had any sort of interaction with him. Even so, watching all of the outpouring of support for him over the past month has touched me very deeply and left me with a number of different thoughts.

I can’t speak for David or his family and would never presume to. However, in speaking from personal experience, I can say that there have been a lot of times that I’ve been at a point in my life where there seems to be only one way out. In short, I’ve attempted suicide multiple times. It’s not something easy to tell anyone, especially strangers online but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot since David’s disappearance.

Now, for some context. At a very young age I was diagnosed with depression. This was following my first suicide attempt, where I tried to kill myself in my middle school bathroom. In retrospect, it seems like the dumbest thing in the world for me to do. I had been picked on for years for being a fat nerd and something in me snapped that day. I put my belt around my neck and tried to strangle myself with it. I was caught and it was decided that I had to see a psychiatrist.

Following this was years of medications and multiple psychiatrists, none of which seemed to help. I was still an angry, depressed kid and life wasn’t getting any easier. I found myself, in multiple cases, thinking that I had to just kill myself. That life would simply be better for everyone if I wasn’t involved in it anymore. Yet, at the same point, I was a dumb kid and I found myself getting caught multiple times. I knew that it was hurting my mom but I justified it by saying that in the end it was the best since all I did was cause pain to people and that I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.

Eventually, I got out of the nightmare of a high school I went to and tried to move on, but without getting into too many more details things didn’t change much for my depression. I had my heart hurt many times and had many moments that I’d never forget, and not in the good way. I thought that I just needed to be gone. Then, my grandmother, whom had been there for me all of my life passed away in an extremely tragic time of my life.

It was at this time that I began to join communities and make friends online. I had played video games for years, so naturally that’s where I wounded up. I joined forums and eventually began to write on a semi-professional basis. I had the people in my life who I’d never had before. I even began podcasting with a couple of my friends.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of depression still. I’ve still had those moments where I feel that everything is my fault and that everyone would simply be better if I was dead. Yet, because of these communities and meeting with so many people, I’ve found so many people I can always talk with. It’s still a struggle every single day of my life but I’ve got a support.

That’s really what this is all about for me. If you’ve ever had those feelings, know that you’re not alone. I know that sometimes, hearing someone say that isn’t enough but there is always a better option. Even if, like myself, you become convinced that the world is better without you, know that it isn’t. There’s always another option and there’s always a way to make things better for yourself and it’s not by taking your life. There’s help.


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Author: Addam Kearney View all posts by

8 Comments on "For The ‘Knuckles Dawsons’ We Can Still Save"

  1. lono June 25, 2013 at 11:54 am -

    Great post. It must have taken metric fuckton of courage to write that. thank you for sharing.

  2. Kelly Brown June 25, 2013 at 12:13 pm -

    Thank you for taking the time to use your voice to share this with others.

  3. SickNdehed June 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm -

    It’s sad to know how many people are silently suffering with these false beliefs. But thank you for having the courage to share your story and remind others that they are not alone.

  4. Shane Nokes June 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm -

    It’s weird Addam. You and I have a very similar life story based on the surface details, including the bit about the grandmother.

    Depression isn’t easy. People a lot of times think we can snap out of it, but they don’t realize…even more than our jobs depression is the biggest bit of work we take care of…all the time.

  5. DeejayKnight June 25, 2013 at 12:50 pm -

    It takes a lot of courage to share this, so I’d like to thank you for both sharing your story. Those sharing similar situations may benefit from it.

    I suffered from depression earlier in life, so I know that’s a horrible place to be.

  6. Samantha Olvera June 25, 2013 at 12:50 pm -

    I admire your bravery for being able to write that. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure many people have thought about doing such a thing, me included, but it is comforting to know that it’s not something we all have to face alone. Just know that it’s been such a pleasure to know you and podcast with you. ♥

  7. Shandi June 25, 2013 at 2:34 pm -

    wait I thought this article was gonna be about the kid who passed on not yourself

    • Chris Brown June 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm -

      It’s about the people we can still save. David was a sad reminder that depression is a very real problem. The author is living through his.